my f*ck it list - because life's too short to do everything.

I'm still pissed that my TO-DO list didn't change last week. And now my cold has reached a new level of ick. When am I going to get stuff done? Do you have any idea how long my TO-DO list is?! Holy carp!
Then as if the Universe had heard my freaky ranting, I got a sign by way of Ali's post the other day. She, like Metalia before her and Michael Ian Black who started it all, made a F*ck It List -- you know, the list of things I don't need to do before I die. You know what this means?! It means there are things NOT on my TO-DO list! Isn't that awesome?!!!

Okay, so, here's my list of THINGS I *DON'T* NEED TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

1: Bungee sex.
- The idea of jumping off a bridge with only a huge elastic to keep me from my doom is enough to make me go "uh, riiiight, no way". Adding a naked partner is really a moot point -- even if he were my pretend boyfriend Gerard Butler. I'd be thinking "OMG, I'm going to frickin' die now!" the entire time instead of enjoying the thrill of public sex.

2: Learn how to play golf.
- Okay, I don't know how to play golf, but I think it's like this: Buy expensive equipment. Buy tiny balls. Spend even more money to use expensive equipment to hit tiny balls into holes some dude dug into the ground. Repeat 17 times. See? Seems really pointless, time-consuming, and expensive to me.

3: Watch an episode of The Hills, Gossip Girls, or the new 90210.
- If I want to see cattiness, angst, back-stabbing, emo divas, and passive aggressive lunatics, I bet I can find them all at the next parent council meeting at my kids' school.

4: Get a fake tan.
- Do I have to explain this? Really? Okay, look at this picture of me with my son. Yeah, that's why.

5: Go to a Marilyn Manson concert.
- People who go to his concert typically wear a black corset, heavy makeup, and chains, and frankly, I'm not interested in putting that stuff on again ever.

6: Write the next great American Novel.
- Mainly because I'm Canadian. And because any novel I write will be erotic in nature, it's greatness will be decided by a very small subset.

7: Swim with the sharks.
- It's like giving me a bottle of plum wine without a condom: IRRESPONSIBLE.

8: Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring.
- Wouldn't be complete without the bald pate and beer belly. Oh, and the "be a 45-year-old man" requirement.

9: Bike the Trans Canada Highway.
- You know the phrase "it's as easy as riding a bike"? Yeah, it does NOT apply to me. As in I don't ride a bike very well -- NOT as in I am not an easy ride. Really. Okay, it depends on who you ask.

10: Buy a ShamWow
- The commercials irritate me. No matter what time of the month. Yup, that's all it takes.

BTW, Metalia is awesome, but I may have to arm-wrestle her for Michael Ian Black, because, hello, funny guy -- clearly the funniest guy on Twitter.

Until my Roomie decides to join, of course.


  1. I agree except about the cycling :) Though I may try golf (I had a go once).

    I certainly won't be getting a fake tan - and my skin is about as pale as you can get!

    Everyone should have a list like this, it's nice to know what you don't have to do.

  2. Oddly, my parents have started a "bucket" list. They told the boy about it when he was on spring break. Who am I to criticize? Maybe we will understand this concept better when we are in our 70's.
    Bet your bottom dollar I will be bringing up my F*ck it list-to mock whenever the bucket list gets brought up!

  3. Excellent notion, and great list. I think I'll harvest it (the notion). There are several things that have come up recently where I'm like "you know what? F*ckit!"

    That tanning thing I agree with. And I once won a "Who's The Palest WASP Girl?" contest. The one who felt she should have won it called me "blue". I've grown to embrace it.

  4. Agree with bungee sex, golf and Marilyn Manson. I swam with sharks once. Only they were baby sharks and there was a diver/shark trainer inside the pool. Still, I felt like my heart was gonna burst out of my chest. :-)

  5. I like this idea. I might just steal it.

  6. @Rachel Cotterill:
    It definitely takes the pressure off, doesn't it? :)

    You know, I've been thinking about doing a Bucket List myself. I need goals, girl, or I'll just sit here blogsurfing! :)

    Your Fuck It List will definitely be a fun read. Can't wait to see it!

    Oh, you're brave! :)

    Steal away, Adam... can't wait to read yours. :)

  7. Rachel and harmzie: I'm sure I'm in the competition for palest, and I am not above getting a spray-on tan!

    Nenette and all: I also highly recommend the satisfaction of a ta!da! list -- either of what you have done/accomplished or a list acknowledging yourself for whatever you need to.

  8. @Lynn Stevens:
    Oh, a ta!da! list sounds wonderful! Okay, I'm going to do one of those... thanks for the idea! :)

  9. I had to look up bungee sex to see what you were talking about, and I don't think it is what you think it is. When you think about it, a bungee drop is only about 15 seconds long, so trying to get two people to crash into each other and not kill themselves in that time is pretty futile... not that the contraption advertised isn't futile either.

    But I'd hate to think that you're using up a slot on your list for something that isn't really available. :-)

    But if there were 50,000 stars, I'd give you 50,000 stars!

  10. @Albert:
    I learned about bungee sex from an episode of CSI:NY where a couple actually jumped from a bridge, humping while they bounced up and down.
    Thanks for the 50,000 stars :)

  11. Hey! I also stole this from you via Avitable.

    I've been to a Marylin Manson concert. In hindsight, a black corset, heavy makeup, and chains might have been a better choice than a black t-shirt with "SECURITY" written on the back. ;-)

  12. @LeSombre:
    Happy you stole it! :) Loved your lists.
    Oh, yeah, you stand out in a "SECURITY" shirt. Just a little bit. ;)

  13. Sue Murdock13 May, 2009

    The whole Sham wow bit, for sure don't bother. My dear son loves commercials and wanted sham wow when he saw it in the store (instead of a toy...???? hmmmm....I know a little weird), and the commercials are so not true! ;)

  14. @Sue:
    That's so funny! They make those commercials so attractive and exciting, just so they can suck you in, eh?! I remember when Sobey's on Taylor first opened, and they sent out a promotional VHS video of "all the exciting things you'll find at the New Sobey's!" Did you see those? Well, my son wanted to see that video over and over and over. It was total eye candy to him! Too funny. :)

  15. Kids are so funny! Commercials is one of the reasons I got a PVR, but when I'm watching with DS he won't let me pause them. lol. He knows them pretty well, to the point where he sees it in the store and tells me the reasons why we should have that item in our house...haha...priceless! and no I didn't get the privilige of seeing the Sobey's tape. Must have been thrilling. lol

  16. Nenette! Your f*ck it list is hysterical!

    This was the first I've heard of bungee sex, and it sounds pretty ridiculous. I mean, does bungee jumping need to be more of a thrill? Besides, it would just set the expectations to high for back home in the bedroom. Before you know it you're jumping off roofs, breaking legs and getting sued for public indecency. It's just a bad idea. ;)

  17. @Jenny: LOL I totally agree! Just a bad idea. The consequences would far outweigh the thrill... or in my case, anxiety. :)