the wall - part 2: "hands on the wheel! hands on the wheel!"

I'm sick. Have been since Friday. Sore throat, fever, sinus congestion, etc. etc. etc. I've had very little energy to do anything more than watch tv, maybe knit a bit of Mini's blanket, moan, surf for pretty things online, and -- when I have the rare burst -- cranky tweet.

But mostly, I've also had a chance to think. Many thoughts. Mainly, that I'm not a complete idiot.

Really. When making decisions, I do my research and use logic when needed. I know not to give in when I get the sudden, inexplicable urge to pour my glass of iced green tea all over Roomie's head. I know that I should never wear mom jeans. And thanks to 40 years of life experience and encouragement from Roomie to trust my instincts, I've improved my ability to recognize then ignore bullshit of most kinds. All in all, I am smart.

Bu if this is all true... why did I buy into the bullshit in my brain?

You know, the little stress-causing voice in my head that...
  • said my being a SAHM and the family go-to person isn't important enough.
  • demanded I should make more of a contribution to the family because I'm the lucky one who gets to stay home.
  • declared that my blogging successes are nothing more than fluke.
  • my being overwhelmed by unfinished house projects (for example, decluttering) is a sign of my personal weakness, laziness, inadequacy, etc.
  • etc.
And to add horror to insult, the voice of bullshit sounded suspiciously like my mother's. Ew.

And I believed it. All of it. For a very long time.

Then something changed, and I finally woke up. And throughout the next few days, I got signs reinforcing the fact that I was headed in the right direction, among them a dear friend telling me to stop selling myself short.

Now, I'm doing some exciting things, making improvements, changing my thought patterns and habits, getting on top of the stress, and make myself happy in an effort to take control of my life, get myself back on track and as far away from the wall as possible.

I can't wait to tell you all what I've been up to!

And I will after I get over this miserable cold. Please send good healthy thoughts. And soup.


  1. Good for you! Can't wait to hear what you've been up to.

  2. You come over. I teach you Sun Salutation.

    NO searchy. You can look it up *after* we do it [snort - I said "we do it"!]

  3. I am glad Harmzie straightened your ass out. Otherwise I was gonna have to fly up to Winnipeg and frankly, I don't have time right now because I am up to my ears in year-end crazy. So phew. Glad you have local ass-straighteners-outers. Also? Must I remind YOU of YOUR mantra: "Come and bask in the awesomeness. No, no, really -- I insist." You are the reason I coined the phrase awesometastic. So get out of your head. And get back to life. As soon as you get well. HUGS.

  4. @Avitable: Thanks, sweetie pie! xo

    @harmzie: Actually, I know Sun Salutation. Been doing it for years. Got *anything else* to teach me?... ;) nudge nudge, hubba hubba...

    @Rougeneck: I'm very lucky I have all of yous guys. :) And you still have to come up here... after year-end stuff gets done.

  5. OK, I've got some ginger sweet potato soup in my freezer. I'm free Thursday and Friday to bring it over. Email me when.

  6. I so relate to those bullet points! All of them! Feel better. Can't wait to hear what you've been up to!!

  7. you know the *moves* but you need the "additional instruction" that can't be drawn on a sketch.

    Also: you've got awesome commenters. I mean in addition to me.

  8. What you need are some good tunes to keep you on the straight and narrow. Here are some good lyrics, you can go get the song. Check it out from the library if you want!

    And listen, about those bitter songs you sing;
    they're not helping anything,
    they won't make you strong.

    So we should open up the house,
    invite the Tabby two doors down.
    You could ask your sister if,
    she doesn't bring her basset hound.
    Ask the things you shouldn't miss:
    tape hiss and the modern man,
    cold war and card catalogues
    to come join us if they can.

    Girly drinks and parlor games,
    we'll pass around the easy lie
    of absolutely no regrets,
    and later maybe you could try.
    To let your losses dangle off,
    the sharp edge of a century.
    We'll talk about the weather,
    or how the weather used to be.

    And I'll cater, with all the birds that I can kill,
    let their tiny feathers fill disappointment.
    Lie down, and lick the sorrow from your skin
    Scratch the terror and begin to believe you're strong.

    All you ever want to do is drink and watch TV,
    frankly that thing doesn't really interest me.
    I swear I'm going to bite you hard and taste your tinny blood
    if you don't stop the self-defeating lies you've been repeating
    since the day you brought me home.
    I know you're strong.