20 things I want you to know.

28 July 2009

I liked this post by the lovely and talented Avitable so much, I decided to steal it.

You see, I know 20 people out there who:

(a) don't take unsolicited advice very well, even though they desperately need it.
(b) would most likely take my compliments the wrong way. (Really, can't I say you're hot without you thinking I want to "take a ride on your disco stick"? Yo!)
(c) seriously need to be taken down a notch or two.
(d) have asses I want to (virtually) kick before I go bitchcakes on the next person who cuts me off or sneezes in my general direction.

And I want to say stuff to them, so of course, I'm taking the coward's route and telling them all via blogpost. Ahem.

So, who are these 20 people? I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader to figure out, but yes, one of them could be you. (No, Roomie is NOT one of these 20 people.)

Worry not. This snark and crankiness is just a temporary affliction. I love you all, and I'll be back to my old sweet ways as soon as I get some more sleep, a big bowl of coconut ice cream, and maybe a good bedding. Heh, heh, heh.

20 things I want you to know

1: No, you didn't love me. You were very sweet, but I don't think you knew me well enough to love me.

2: You didn't think you were good enough for me? Ha! Give me a break! And, so what if it would've only lasted 6 months! I was only 18 -- I wasn't looking for forever! It would've been the most fantastic, hottest, and raunchiest 6 months of your life. Coward, now you'll never know.

3: No, you REALLY don't know why I won't speak to my parents. I know you think I'm just being immature and rebellious, but you truly don't know the whole story -- the story they will NEVER tell you.

4: I faked it every single time. No, you really REALLY weren't that good. And I was so young and so dumb to try and make you think you were. Ew.

5: You are such a beautiful girl -- why do you ruin it all by wearing that frosty eyeshadow that makes you look like a 50-year-old cougar?

6: I'm so glad you've found your direction. I see great things for you in the future. And I'm so incredibly proud of you.

7: You're too young to be burnt out. But if you are, you might want to consider switching careers. You're doing more damage than good if you continue where you are. And I don't just mean damage to you.

8: You are way too frickin' sexy for your own good -- I wish I were you. Dammit.

9: If you don't teach your kid who's boss, he won't respect you. He's being cruel to you, and you're letting him get away with it. You aren't doing him any favours.

10: You are one of my best girl friends. It makes me really happy to say that.

11: I really wish you were my sister. And that you lived here.

12: When you said "at least you had a father", you truly didn't know what you were saying. I'd have rather had no father than go through what he put me through.

13: You lost my respect and trust when you took credit for someone else's work. Grow up -- we're not in high school anymore.

14: You've become such a great girl friend. I can't wait till we meet in person.

15: I'm glad I've made the decision to cut you out of my life. It's the best decision I've EVER made where you're concerned.

16: Put your dog on a effin' leash. Pick up the effin' log he lays on the boulevard. And if he comes anywhere my kids, I'll effin' hurt YOU.

17: I appreciate you more than I can ever tell you.

18: No, I don't want your husband. I dumped him, remember? If you don't like me being his friend, you may want to look into your own trust issues, because believe me, I got a much better deal with the husband I have.

19: Telling people "Oh, you've gained a little weight" when you see them won't win you their respect. Especially when you can stand to lose some yourself. So, just shut up.

20: You are one of the sweetest men I know, and I hope you find that special lady who will appreciate you as we do. Don't let your past become the obstacle to your future.

9 comments - LEAVE YOURS HERE...:

Ali said...

So, I thought I'd read up on you since we're meeting for sushi and all...

...and now...

...I'm crying in laughter at my desk at work.

You are damn hilarious, and the word "bitchcakes" may be the best thing I've ever heard :)

Albert Bannatyne said...

Woo-hoo! Finally, a blog post all about me! Wait... what? You wish I was your sister? Huh?

Hmmm... on careful re-reading of your list of important info, I see that #8 is probably the only one you intended for me. Oh, well. Actually, I was thinking of starting up a "live in Albert's shoes" camp, where for a low fee people can come and live my life for a week. So if you really want, you can be me for a while!

But really, that's quite a post, almost as revealing as those promised summer bikini photos. Have you considered putting it to music and posting a video, a la "You Oughta Know"? (The rant, not the cheesecake pix).

I think reading your list actually makes me feel a little dirty or sneaky, sort of like Snape using legilemency to read the mind of Potter. Should we schedule an intervention of some sort to head off the bitterness? I've never participated in one before, maybe Tanner can give me some pointers. Wait... he's #7 and #15, right? :-)

But that's just you, wearing your heart on your sleeve again... I was going to write "open kimono" but maybe that's too revealing again!

And I didn't think it was a disco stick, I thought it was a roast duck, but I wasn't there, I only heard about it years later.

Is there some sort of lottery for whoever can match the most comments to right people? #5 is Lindsey Lohan, right? #9 is Darth Vader, #17 is Gordon Ramsay, #18 is Diana Krall, #19 is Ricky Gervaise, #20 is Burson Cummings. How am I doing so dar?

musingwoman said...

I wore frosty eyeshadow for a little while in tenth grade.

I'm glad there's no photographic evidence.

Asianmommy said...

I like #6. Tell that person this in real life!

Country Girl said...

Oh Nen...way to come back and COME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE! Have loved all of the family posts but have missed stabby, snarky, awesomely funny Nen. Welcome home sugar. Welcome home. xoxo

Laura Gerencser said...

Nice post!:) I have given you a blog award! Check out my latest post!!

zandra said...

Is 5, 6, 7, 8, 11, and 16 about me? I'm copying this from you!!!

Kari said...

I tried leaving a comment on this yesterday, but my connection was glitchy :-( I just had mentioned I thought writing these types of lists was rather liberating in my eyes and that I enjoyed yours!

Shai Coggins said...

Hey, Nen. This is so funny. Seriously. I've read some of these lists before and considered making one of my own. But, I'm not sure if people are ready to see my fangs and claws unleashed in public. Haha. Anyway, thanks for the fun read.

BTW, loved your 100 Things list too. I was just thinking that that's one of the things that I've been promising to write over the last 9 years or so - and never had done. Argh.

And, on Gerard Butler: Hmmm.... So, you like 300 too? ;-)

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